Excuse me sir, this isn't what I ordered.

I'm pretty sure I ordered the white picket fence, perfect lawn, biggish house with a gorgeous spouse who loves me and 2 1/2 children. Oh, and a dog. We wanted a golden retriever. I think you gave me someone else's order. This isn't what I ordered.

The American Dream. "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." Wikipedia claims that the American Dream is "a set of ideals in which freedom includes the opportunity for prosperity and success, and an upward social mobility achieved through hard work."
Oh, I forgot to add that it states this is to take place in the United States. As we grow closer and closer to Socialism, I find this all to be a bunch of horse shit. But, this isn't about politics. This is about your life. Unless of course you are a politician and politics are your life, in which case you should probably quit reading my writings altogether. This is for the rest of us. The average American.
My target audience for this would be anyone between the ages of 18-100. If you're under 18, go be a teenager and quit being a loser who reads a blog from an analytical wanna-be journalist. If you're over 100, just be glad you can still read. Everyone else, carry on...

Is this what you ordered? Did you see yourself living the life you are living right now? I wonder how many people would say yes. How many of you are divorced? Heart broken? Silently resentful towards your significant other because you feel like you have sacrificed so much to be with them? Perpetual bachelor/bachelorette? Career focused (aka single)? Married to someone who you would kill if no one would find out? You get where I'm going with this. 

I hate that divorce is so prevalent in our society. That's because we place absolutely no importance in the sanctity of marriage. We marry young. We marry out of boredom. We marry out of fear. We marry too fast. We marry because that's what we're "supposed" to do. I want to get married eventually, but it scares the living hell out of me.

You didn't see yourself working retail in your late twenties, but you are. You didn't see yourself with more than one cat, but the one needed a friend because IT was lonely (not you?), so now you have how many?? Somehow you managed to end up in a cubicle, in your thirties or forties and it's like Groundhog Day, but on the set of Office Space? You guys got married because it WAS love. You swear it was at some point. Or she was pregnant. That's love. Shotgun love. You didn't see yourself being single in your forties, but you have your success and that counts for something, right? Maybe you should've taken time to consider date-able options? Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda. I could create hypothetical scenarios for the rest of the night. I won't.

Side note: You, selfish guy. You, oh one who I have dated who feels like they are really, "too selfish right now to be in a serious relationship." One: I think you'll end up alone and miserable.  Two: I'm glad you called yourself selfish, so I don't have to do so. Three: Just call it commitaphobia like the rest of us semi-sane people. And, four, my favorite: why are every single one of you still texting me?? (Yes, there is a pattern here. I tend to want what I can't have.)

Though this is not specifically aimed at finding your potential mate, it has a starring role in where my end game lies. Someone said something to me recently that I have thought about a lot and couldn't agree with any more than I do. When it comes to someone of the opposite sex, it comes down to chemistry. You either have it or your don't. This is not something you can plan, no matter how hard you try. C'mon, anyone who has dated anyone, ever. You agree, right? How many times have you girls liked some guy and then he goes for the first kiss, and.... really??? I have been all worked up about THAT? Give me a break! I imagine this goes both ways. Surely you guys have kissed a girl for the first time and its like you're kissing Slimer from Ghostbusters, or even like a cold, tight lipped, dead fish? Calm down, PacMan. I thought we were going to kiss a little. I didn't know you were going to eat my face off. Heed my words here... If you find someone who doesn't fit your kissing style, RUN. Run in the opposite direction as fast as possible. It's downhill from there. Obviously chemistry plays more into everything than a high school style make-out session. (If you're in high school and agreeing with me here, seriously, you have no idea what I'm talking about.)

I am notorious for dating paper guys. Ya know, you draw them on paper, and then cut them out.... No. Obviously not. Though I just made that term up, you will know exactly what I mean. I date guys who look great on paper. Guys you take home to momma. They are career successful. They are very attractive. They have nice houses, vehicles, blah blah blah. I'm serious. Veterinarian, Engineer, Major League Baseball Player, Doctor... I'm a snob.
The problem with paper is that it is just that. You get it wet, and you can no longer see what it previously had written on it. I also love muscles but you can't date a six pack. (This goes for both muscles and beer. Neither work out. I have tried both.)

So, am I where I want to be? You bet your ass I am. (Has anyone really ever bet their ass? Where did that saying originate?) I'm figuring it all out. I'm a late twenties bartender. I also only work three days a week and make more money than most people I know who have "real" jobs. With that being said, I am not judging because I am currently interviewing for real jobs. But they are for jobs that would be a ton of fun as well. Refuse to settle. That's where I am. I no longer feel like a timeline is necessary for my life. For so long, I though X+Y would =Z. But I should've known, based on my math skills, that my general math looks more like, X+Y=icecream. Or, any other variable really. I just really want some ice cream. Fro yo. I want some fro yo. Mmm. This may be why my friend calls me the dog from the movie Up. SQUIRREL!!!!

As my math teacher in middle school used to say, "meanwhile, back on the ranch." I realize I am blathering. My point is this: if you are unhappy, do something about it. You're not dead yet, and you only live once. I may not have the greatest job in the world but I have a ton of fun and make decent money. Judge me. I don't give a shit. Most of the people who judge me are just unhappy with their own jobs. Fact.
If you hate your job, find another one!!! The economy is finally crawling out of the toilet and jobs are being opened up, left and right. Fact.
If you are out of shape, do something about it. What is the statistic? It only takes a couple weeks, or something like that, to create a routine. Push-ups before bed never hurt anyone. Another fact. 
Also, I like to make up random facts and claim them to be true. 

I refuse to settle. I don't want a job that just pays the bills. I want to be passionate about what I do! I want to have fun, that way it doesn't seem like work. I want to find a guy who isn't a selfish asshole, which is kind of what I go for most of the time. I kick nice guys to the curb with a quickness. It isn't the best trait. I also tend to like guys who live long distance. Which is awesome if you are a glutton for punishment. Nice because you don't get tired of them, but in the case that you find a pretty great one, you realize that one of you has to move. Enter fear of commitment....
I just know that I want to be healthy, get in great shape, travel, have fun, and enjoy living. If you're not on board, get the hell off the tracks.