Excuse me sir, this isn't what I ordered.

I'm pretty sure I ordered the white picket fence, perfect lawn, biggish house with a gorgeous spouse who loves me and 2 1/2 children. Oh, and a dog. We wanted a golden retriever. I think you gave me someone else's order. This isn't what I ordered.

The American Dream. "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." Wikipedia claims that the American Dream is "a set of ideals in which freedom includes the opportunity for prosperity and success, and an upward social mobility achieved through hard work."
Oh, I forgot to add that it states this is to take place in the United States. As we grow closer and closer to Socialism, I find this all to be a bunch of horse shit. But, this isn't about politics. This is about your life. Unless of course you are a politician and politics are your life, in which case you should probably quit reading my writings altogether. This is for the rest of us. The average American.
My target audience for this would be anyone between the ages of 18-100. If you're under 18, go be a teenager and quit being a loser who reads a blog from an analytical wanna-be journalist. If you're over 100, just be glad you can still read. Everyone else, carry on...

Is this what you ordered? Did you see yourself living the life you are living right now? I wonder how many people would say yes. How many of you are divorced? Heart broken? Silently resentful towards your significant other because you feel like you have sacrificed so much to be with them? Perpetual bachelor/bachelorette? Career focused (aka single)? Married to someone who you would kill if no one would find out? You get where I'm going with this. 

I hate that divorce is so prevalent in our society. That's because we place absolutely no importance in the sanctity of marriage. We marry young. We marry out of boredom. We marry out of fear. We marry too fast. We marry because that's what we're "supposed" to do. I want to get married eventually, but it scares the living hell out of me.

You didn't see yourself working retail in your late twenties, but you are. You didn't see yourself with more than one cat, but the one needed a friend because IT was lonely (not you?), so now you have how many?? Somehow you managed to end up in a cubicle, in your thirties or forties and it's like Groundhog Day, but on the set of Office Space? You guys got married because it WAS love. You swear it was at some point. Or she was pregnant. That's love. Shotgun love. You didn't see yourself being single in your forties, but you have your success and that counts for something, right? Maybe you should've taken time to consider date-able options? Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda. I could create hypothetical scenarios for the rest of the night. I won't.

Side note: You, selfish guy. You, oh one who I have dated who feels like they are really, "too selfish right now to be in a serious relationship." One: I think you'll end up alone and miserable.  Two: I'm glad you called yourself selfish, so I don't have to do so. Three: Just call it commitaphobia like the rest of us semi-sane people. And, four, my favorite: why are every single one of you still texting me?? (Yes, there is a pattern here. I tend to want what I can't have.)

Though this is not specifically aimed at finding your potential mate, it has a starring role in where my end game lies. Someone said something to me recently that I have thought about a lot and couldn't agree with any more than I do. When it comes to someone of the opposite sex, it comes down to chemistry. You either have it or your don't. This is not something you can plan, no matter how hard you try. C'mon, anyone who has dated anyone, ever. You agree, right? How many times have you girls liked some guy and then he goes for the first kiss, and.... really??? I have been all worked up about THAT? Give me a break! I imagine this goes both ways. Surely you guys have kissed a girl for the first time and its like you're kissing Slimer from Ghostbusters, or even like a cold, tight lipped, dead fish? Calm down, PacMan. I thought we were going to kiss a little. I didn't know you were going to eat my face off. Heed my words here... If you find someone who doesn't fit your kissing style, RUN. Run in the opposite direction as fast as possible. It's downhill from there. Obviously chemistry plays more into everything than a high school style make-out session. (If you're in high school and agreeing with me here, seriously, you have no idea what I'm talking about.)

I am notorious for dating paper guys. Ya know, you draw them on paper, and then cut them out.... No. Obviously not. Though I just made that term up, you will know exactly what I mean. I date guys who look great on paper. Guys you take home to momma. They are career successful. They are very attractive. They have nice houses, vehicles, blah blah blah. I'm serious. Veterinarian, Engineer, Major League Baseball Player, Doctor... I'm a snob.
The problem with paper is that it is just that. You get it wet, and you can no longer see what it previously had written on it. I also love muscles but you can't date a six pack. (This goes for both muscles and beer. Neither work out. I have tried both.)

So, am I where I want to be? You bet your ass I am. (Has anyone really ever bet their ass? Where did that saying originate?) I'm figuring it all out. I'm a late twenties bartender. I also only work three days a week and make more money than most people I know who have "real" jobs. With that being said, I am not judging because I am currently interviewing for real jobs. But they are for jobs that would be a ton of fun as well. Refuse to settle. That's where I am. I no longer feel like a timeline is necessary for my life. For so long, I though X+Y would =Z. But I should've known, based on my math skills, that my general math looks more like, X+Y=icecream. Or, any other variable really. I just really want some ice cream. Fro yo. I want some fro yo. Mmm. This may be why my friend calls me the dog from the movie Up. SQUIRREL!!!!

As my math teacher in middle school used to say, "meanwhile, back on the ranch." I realize I am blathering. My point is this: if you are unhappy, do something about it. You're not dead yet, and you only live once. I may not have the greatest job in the world but I have a ton of fun and make decent money. Judge me. I don't give a shit. Most of the people who judge me are just unhappy with their own jobs. Fact.
If you hate your job, find another one!!! The economy is finally crawling out of the toilet and jobs are being opened up, left and right. Fact.
If you are out of shape, do something about it. What is the statistic? It only takes a couple weeks, or something like that, to create a routine. Push-ups before bed never hurt anyone. Another fact. 
Also, I like to make up random facts and claim them to be true. 

I refuse to settle. I don't want a job that just pays the bills. I want to be passionate about what I do! I want to have fun, that way it doesn't seem like work. I want to find a guy who isn't a selfish asshole, which is kind of what I go for most of the time. I kick nice guys to the curb with a quickness. It isn't the best trait. I also tend to like guys who live long distance. Which is awesome if you are a glutton for punishment. Nice because you don't get tired of them, but in the case that you find a pretty great one, you realize that one of you has to move. Enter fear of commitment....
I just know that I want to be healthy, get in great shape, travel, have fun, and enjoy living. If you're not on board, get the hell off the tracks.

Get off your fat, fat, ass.

This could've been about baseball. I could probably write about baseball for a while. I have plenty of thoughts and opinions regarding the subject. Thought about covering the Braun "scandal." Because performance enhancing drugs are so new to professional sports? Puh leeze. (See previous blog about gender testing for my thoughts regarding performance enhancement.) Instead, I'll share what's going on in my glorious life.

As I ingest a protein shake and stare at my workout list, it is no wonder that I have fitness on the brain. As my previous posts have mentioned, I'm into the idea of being in great shape. That was it though. I have been into the IDEA of being in shape for years. I have frequented countless gyms, eaten periodically healthy, and been off and on pleased with the pseudo results. Am I in bad shape? No. I haven't been in bad shape for years. I saw a horrifying picture of myself at one point and realized I will never let myself get in bad shape again. Sometimes, a photo is all it takes. This does not mean, however, that I am in great shape.

I recently had a "real" job. One with my own office, desk, computer, etc. Due to my laziness, I began packing my lunch and internet surfing on my break. This is when I discovered Jamie Eason. Google. She's pretty much amazing. I was already going to a gym a few days a week but I really needed some form of serious motivation. This was it. This woman is ripped, and cute as a button. We all know there are women who lift, who look like dudes who lift. This can often be a common misconception. You don't have to look like Arnold if you lift weights, ladies. Unless you're into that. To each their own.

Due to my new found fitness idol, I began the 12 week program "Livefit Trainer," that she has on bodybuilding.com. I tried to stick to the diet and everything. Notice my use of the letter D. Though I obviously did not stick with the training program, I found myself loving my new "diet." I use quotations because Clean Eating is more of a lifestyle choice than a temporary fix. (I sound like I'm being paid to do marketing, don't I? Feel free to throw your money at me. So far, I'm doing this pro-bono.)

If you are unfamiliar with clean eating, look it up. The basics are switching to foods that are not altered in a factory. God's food, if you will. For instance, my grocery receipt is almost all produce. I also eat complex carbs, and lean protein. (Publix salmon, people. Do it.) Another aspect of clean eating is cutting down on portion size and upping the frequency of food intake. We have all heard that you should eat multiple small meals throughout the day. It's hard, for a female such as myself, to go from eating like two meals a day to a bunch of small ones. 

I was incredibly motivated to work out. That wasn't the problem. I wasn't hungry. I have never been a breakfast person. I like breakfast foods but am NEVER hungry when I wake up. Coffee. Must have coffee. So, I had to start training not only my body but my mind as well. (Why do I keep sounding like a motivational speaker? I guess that is kind of where this is going but I didn't intend to sound like a poster.) 6 small meals a day? I can do this!!! 

Fat, fat cow. That is how I felt for 2 whole weeks. Thank God it was winter and I could wear sweaters to hide the bloat. My body had to readjust to this insanity that I was putting it through. Craziest thing... two weeks later, the bloating went down and I felt amazing!!! I have since continued to eat clean, but fell off the trainer in a month or so. I still use the workouts from time to time but I felt like certain things about the program weren't for me. (Frequency of workouts, protein intake, etc...)

Other factors to include with my mission for muscles: I don't do cardio. Well, not really. I do very light cardio because I have asthma. (Let me just tell you, it ain't easy, being wheezy.) I generally do workouts with dumbbells, cables, body weight, stability ball and other stuff like that. I generally stay away from machines.I would like a rowing machine, if anyone feels like donating one to the cause. I also do not own a scale, nor do I count calories. Both of these things make me more obsessed with numbers and less likely to care about eating right and training hard.
I also have a fitness, um, coach? Okay, maybe not coach, but inspiration. There's a guy I know who is too honest for his own good. Turns out, that though I want to slap him in the mouth sometimes for it, his honesty is awesome for working out. If you can find someone in your life who won't sugar coat shit, keep them around. It's good to hear from time to time. Anyway, this guy will say, "Yeah, I can definitely see a difference! You look great!" But he will also say "Yeah, you're getting there but I feel like you have a ways to go before you reach your goal." And, if I have the guts to ask, he will tell me what I need to work on and even suggest workouts. He asks me at least once a week how my fitness routine is going. I could see where this could be looked at as negatively. Like, what an asshole. But I flippin' love it! Because, guess what? When I feel like I have made progress, guess who is right there to celebrate with me? That guy.

I am on a mission. A fitness mission. You only live once so why not be as hot as you possibly can RIGHT NOW? You will be this age one time, ever. Wouldn't you like to look back and say that you utilized your strength and energy you had "back then?" Working out and eating healthy can not only prolong your life, but it can make you a happier person altogether. I am definitely seeing a difference. (If I can put down the vodka, I'll prob. have a 6-pack in no time.) I hope that my journey can inspire at least one other person to find this same motivation. 





Food for the day:
B'fast----> Oatmeal (old fashioned oats, blueberries, light soymilk and greek yogurt.)
Snack (post workout) ----> Protein shake with light soymilk (this brand of whey protein I have tastes like licking the floor if mixed with water.)
Lunch ----> Salmon Salad (medium grilled salmon fillet, broccoli sprouts, spinach, tomatoes, cilantro, and 1oz. balsalmic vinegar.)
Snack ----> Fruit (grapes and a plum)
Dinner ----> Chicken Salad on a piece of Ezekiel bread (white meat rotisserie chicken, celery, red grapes, tiny amount of greek yogurt, and seasoning sans salt.)
Snack ----> Veggies (carrots and broccoli, raw.)
LOTS AND LOTS of water! :)

Workout of the Day, (or WOD as you Crossfit cult members call it , though this is nothing like the intensity of Crossfit.) at home:
Alternating Bicep Curls
Standing Concentration Curls
Alternating Hammer Curls
Tricep Dips
Pushups (on dumbbells)
Overhead Triceps Extension
Bent-Over Triceps Extension
A ridiculous attempt at Chin-ups (I'm up to three in a row!!!)
Note: I did 3 sets of 15 with each, other than the chin ups. Obvi.
 I do not generally do Biceps and Triceps on the same day. I felt like mixing it up.

Recent pic. Don't worry. I bought the bikini. (I would have never posted a pic like this of myself had I not been working out. Suck on that, old, fat self.)

If you want to see progress pics, and clean eating food porn, check out my instagram: PSFROMPH.