You know what it is. You know EXACTLY what this is. You thought it to yourself a time or two but definitely didn't say anything to anyone. You wouldn't want people to judge you for judging others. Well, JUDGE AWAY! This is for real!
The definition of a reacher is someone who is unsatisfied with the cards they are handed. They can't be bothered with mundane affairs of the every man. Though they see a Tom, Dick or Harry when they look in the mirror, they say nay! A self proclaimed Justin, Brad or Ryan is the reacher. A 3 or 4 if you will. If you have on cargo pants whilst reading this... guess you found your category.
What is the opposite of a reacher, you ask? A settler. No, I don't mean a great settler of the west. This isn't a story about the Oregon Trail. This is real life, every day, 2012 shit. A settler refuses to look at the cards with which they were dealt.
A settler may be an Angelina but sees a Renee when they look in the mirror. They fold before they even see the flop. Why do I keep using poker references? Is it because I've been sick and downloaded poker to my iPhone yesterday and have been playing it ever since? MAYBE. Either way, you get the point. A settler is an 8, 9 or even 10.
The reacher and settler come together in an awkward pairing that makes many stop to look. Have you ever seen a Quasimodo looking doofus with a girl who could have maybe made page 8 of a Penthouse? It happens. Either you are oblivious to the world around you or you're a damn liar about how judgmental you are. It is rare, very rare, but possible for a settler to be a male. I'm not sure why this is but most settlers are of the female gender. Perhaps it is because women tend to have lower self esteem as a whole.
A lot of my very good friends are settlers. They just don't know their self worth. Let me make this clear for you, females. Here is a way of adding some points to your own numbers. (This is not a reference to the numbers game, but if you play your cards right, I guess the two could be related.)
+points: If you can hold an actual conversation with a guy, and don't come across as though you actually have a disability, add some self worth.
+points: If you took at least some time to make sure you don't look like absolute dog shit today. Not too much time. Subtract points for too much maintenance.
+points: If you have a nice body. Some of us are gifted with a Victoria's Secret model worthy body, but most of us are not. Eat healthy. Go to the gym. You only live once. Don't you want to have your body reach its highest potential?
Did I about cover it there, guys? "Oh, but I really want a girl who has ambition, and... blah blah blah." Baloney. You want a really hot girl. Face it. Sex sells for a reason in the male industry. Bars like Hooters and Twin Peaks are busier than the O'Charley's around the corner because they are filled with attractive, half dressed, women. The 43 year old dude behind the bar at the local chain restaurant isn't bringing in too many cougars these days.
Guys, we have so much more criteria for you. Well, unless you have money, which sways things a bit.
+points: If you have ambition, good job, and/or career. Don't worry. In my group we only refer to you as nicknames anyway. "The Doctor" sounds so much better than "that guy I work at the bar with that I want to take to pound town."
+points: If you have some sense of style. I don't mean man pretty here, though some girls like that. T shirt and jeans can be a style. Nothing wrong with that. Well, unless they're Affliction or Ed Hardy shirts. Those signal douchebag from a mile away. Seriously. We used to have a drinking game about them. Though, when it boils down to it, I'm a fan of sweatpants. Just sweatpants. Mmm... Anyway, this can also tie in hygiene and upkeep. I don't know a single girl who likes guys who smell like a pubescent boy. We don't need you to use Axe body spray, but if I wanted to date a guy who smelled like he just crawled out of a dumpster I would look for men there. This goes for manscaping too. You aren't saving a rain forest by not shaving. This isn't the 70's anymore. People wax and shave now. Join this century.
+points: If you don't drive a piece of crap vehicle. Personal favorites? Big trucks. Nothing sexier than a hot guy and a manly truck. I know, I know, personal preference. I am from the south.
+points: If you aren't an idiot. If you can carry on a decent conversation, your points go up. If you cannot spell the correct form of "there" and "your," then you obviously aren't intelligent enough to procreate with me. What? I don't want my future babies to be morons.
It is clear to me, after re-reading the previous section, that I have gone completely overboard and off topic. You get the idea. I'm not sure what my number is, on the grand scale of 1-10, but I am extremely picky. I spent some time as a settler. Not a proud moment of mine. Those are the exes that my girlfriends giggle about and make fun of me for dating. The pictures that I thought I threw out or burned, but keep resurfacing like some horror movie. Most of us have been there at some point. The reacher and the settler.
One of my best friends is such a settler that it is hilarious. Maybe she doesn't want anyone to steal her spotlight. I will say this, the guys she dates do make her look hotter. The question here, is, are you the reacher? Or, are you the settler? I will say this ...I got spoiled by the last few guys I've dated. No more settling for this girl. I'm reachin for the stars baby!
(P.S. if you're a 3, quit Poking me on Facebook, and inviting me to your lame shows. It's never gonna happen.)
