Survival Tips for a Zombie Apocalypse

(Originally written March 5, 2012)

I go through addiction phases with TV shows. Now that you can watch an entire season of something in one sitting, on demand, I am an avid user. I hate to admit that if I get "sucked into" a show, I will watch as many episodes as my body/schedule will allow. Then, I look for every chance I have to get my fix. Aaah, the good stuff. Why would anyone actually try meth when they can get hooked on the later seasons of Breaking Bad?? Even if you binge eat, while watching, your teeth will probably appreciate my version of drugs.

The latest drug I am on, is The Walking Dead on AMC. The premise of the show is absolutely ridiculous. The world, as we know it, pretty much ends. Zombies take over. They eat flesh. You've heard the story. It's even more far fetched than a mortal falling in love with a vampire who masquerades as a human, only to be confused by her best friend who loves her and  is also a werewolf, only to end up marrying the vampire and spawning the half mortal child with her ageless lover. Nevertheless, I find myself counting the days until the next episode. (This isn't even a bad one. You want to talk about serious addictions? You should have seen me when I got into Sons of Anarchy. Ridiculous.) 

Zombie apocalypse? I can honestly say that it is probably the most far fetched premise I can think of for some form of an Armageddon. Watching this show makes me think. Therefore, I have prepared a list. 

How to survive a zombie apocalypse:

1. Man up. Quit being any form of a wuss and learn to shoot a gun, accurately. If bullets kill, find some. Learn to use them. I would imagine avoiding having your flesh eaten off would be a decent enough reason to quit running around screaming, (ahem, stereotypical females), and get your "stuff" together. If you don't know how to protect yourself, ask the burliest man you can find. I'm sure he would be happy to make fun of you and then help. 

2. Become a pirate. Chances are, if most of the world is dead and trolling around for human meat, they aren't going to mind some looting. If you are near pretty much ANY kind of store, do what you are tempted to do. Go in. Take anything of use. This includes, but not limited to: food, drink, first aid, ammo, weapons, gas, and especially hygiene products. Just because there aren't as many fish to pick from doesn't mean it is an excuse to turn into the version of yourself after you have had the flu for 4 days. Girls, people lost their loved ones, not their eyesight. Clean it up a little. He may not be a 10, but if you have to procreate to save mankind, Earl Smith is starting to look a lot more like Ryan Reynolds. 

3. Seek out shelter. Get out of the most populated places, and head to the safest place you can find. Make some friends. Try not to kill each other. If there are children present, make sure you watch them at all times. They are like dumb, moving, zombie bait. That goes for old people too. If you had any of them left. I imagine they would die off pretty quick. Yeah, I said it.

4. Mobility. Steal, I mean "find", anything that moves. You would probably want to go easy on gas. Therefore, get old school. I would find a barn full of horses and have them as backup. Picture yourself as a cowboy, and zombies as... something cowboys have to kill? Bank robbers? I've got nothing. I wasn't going to say Indians, either. I am very obviously a 32nd Cherokee. I'm sure you could tell. You get my point. Hell, I would get all redneck. Get a bunch of big trucks and ATVs. Load em up with food, beer and a ton of guns and ammo. Go zombie hunting!!! Okay, I let my Tennessee out a little too much there. Back in the cage with you!

5. Last, but not least, don't be an idiot. This show has plenty of these examples. Perhaps you shouldn't go wandering out alone, at night. Or scream like an idiot if zombies are attracted to noise. Or drive around a vehicle that requires the most amount of maintenance or gas. Don't herd them into a barn... Really?

Food for thought.

I know, it is a topic of concern these days. There are now groups of people preparing for the impending doom of the apocalypse. "Doomsdayers." Are you people freaking kidding me? 

PS, procreate. You are the last people on Earth! Get to work!! (Once you find the right one and get married of course. Duh.)

In my version of a zombie apocalypse, flesh eaters all look like Rob. Does that make him more human than human? (Too much coffee, I apologize.)

       

Reachers and Settlers

Due to one of the more awesome conversations I have had in my life, which was recently, I have decided to embark on one of the most meaningful blogs of all time. Be warned. This could change your outlook on life. It could open your eyes to things with which you aren't prepared to handle. This is about the reachers and the settlers.

You know what it is. You know EXACTLY what this is. You thought it to yourself a time or two but definitely didn't say anything to anyone. You wouldn't want people to judge you for judging others. Well, JUDGE AWAY! This is for real!

The definition of a reacher is someone who is unsatisfied with the cards they are handed. They can't be bothered with mundane affairs of the every man. Though they see a Tom, Dick or Harry when they look in the mirror, they say nay! A self proclaimed Justin, Brad or Ryan is the reacher. A 3 or 4 if you will. If you have on cargo pants whilst reading this... guess you found your category.

What is the opposite of a reacher, you ask? A settler. No, I don't mean a great settler of the west. This isn't a story about the Oregon Trail. This is real life, every day, 2012 shit. A settler refuses to look at the cards with which they were dealt.
A settler may be an Angelina but sees a Renee when they look in the mirror. They fold before they even see the flop. Why do I keep using poker references? Is it because I've been sick and downloaded poker to my iPhone yesterday and have been playing it ever since? MAYBE. Either way, you get the point. A settler is an 8, 9 or even 10.

The reacher and settler come together in an awkward pairing that makes many stop to look. Have you ever seen a Quasimodo looking doofus with a girl who could have maybe made page 8 of a Penthouse? It happens. Either you are oblivious to the world around you or you're a damn liar about how judgmental you are. It is rare, very rare, but possible for a settler to be a male. I'm not sure why this is but most settlers are of the female gender. Perhaps it is because women tend to have lower self esteem as a whole.

A lot of my very good friends are settlers. They just don't know their self worth. Let me make this clear for you, females. Here is a way of adding some points to your own numbers. (This is not a reference to the numbers game, but if you play your cards right, I guess the two could be related.)

+points: If you can hold an actual conversation with a guy, and don't come across as though you actually have a disability, add some self worth.
+points: If you took at least some time to make sure you don't look like absolute dog shit today. Not too much time. Subtract points for too much maintenance.
+points: If you have a nice body. Some of us are gifted with a Victoria's Secret model worthy body, but most of us are not. Eat healthy. Go to the gym. You only live once. Don't you want to have your body reach its highest potential?

Did I about cover it there, guys? "Oh, but I really want a girl who has ambition, and... blah blah blah." Baloney. You want a really hot girl. Face it. Sex sells for a reason in the male industry. Bars like Hooters and Twin Peaks are busier than the O'Charley's around the corner because they are filled with attractive, half dressed, women. The 43 year old dude behind the bar at the local chain restaurant isn't bringing in too many cougars these days.

Guys, we have so much more criteria for you. Well, unless you have money, which sways things a bit.
+points: If you have ambition, good job, and/or career. Don't worry. In my group we only refer to you as nicknames anyway. "The Doctor" sounds so much better than "that guy I work at the bar with that I want to take to pound town."

+points: If you have some sense of style. I don't mean man pretty here, though some girls like that. T shirt and jeans can be a style. Nothing wrong with that. Well, unless they're Affliction or Ed Hardy shirts. Those signal douchebag from a mile away. Seriously. We used to have a drinking game about them. Though, when it boils down to it, I'm a fan of sweatpants. Just sweatpants. Mmm... Anyway, this can also tie in hygiene and upkeep. I don't know a single girl who likes guys who smell like a pubescent boy. We don't need you to use Axe body spray, but if I wanted to date a guy who smelled like he just crawled out of a dumpster I would look for men there. This goes for manscaping too. You aren't saving a rain forest by not shaving. This isn't the 70's anymore. People wax and shave now. Join this century.

+points: If you don't drive a piece of crap vehicle. Personal favorites? Big trucks. Nothing sexier than a hot guy and a manly truck. I know, I know, personal preference. I am from the south.

+points: If you aren't an idiot. If you can carry on a decent conversation, your points go up. If you cannot spell the correct form of "there" and "your," then you obviously aren't intelligent enough to procreate with me. What? I don't want my future babies to be morons.

It is clear to me, after re-reading the previous section, that I have gone completely overboard and off topic. You get the idea. I'm not sure what my number is, on the grand scale of 1-10, but I am extremely picky. I spent some time as a settler. Not a proud moment of mine. Those are the exes that my girlfriends giggle about and make fun of me for dating. The pictures that I thought I threw out or burned, but keep resurfacing like some horror movie. Most of us have been there at some point. The reacher and the settler.

One of my best friends is such a settler that it is hilarious. Maybe she doesn't want anyone to steal her spotlight. I will say this, the guys she dates do make her look hotter. The question here, is, are you the reacher? Or, are you the settler? I will say this ...I got spoiled by the last few guys I've dated. No more settling for this girl. I'm reachin for the stars baby!

(P.S.  if you're a 3, quit Poking me on Facebook, and inviting me to your lame shows. It's never gonna happen.)

You get the idea. I'm a snob. Whatever.

No excuses

I upgraded. Or, sold out, to some. Either way this is my first posting via blogger app. Hope this works.

Is a birthday just another day? Is it time to celebrate not being killed off yet? I live in some world where it is a combination of joy, regret, and potential anxiety. What have I done? What will I do? Blah blah. Most people may have these "what does it all mean" questions on the eve of a new year. Lucky for me, my parents birthed me 5 days later. I postpone for a week.
(P.S. birthdays after Christmas and New Years suck. That's a whole 'nother issue.)

I've decided to accept being a year older. It's true that I would rather drink half a box of wine with my roommate than go bar hopping all night. I seem to prefer getting up early than wasting the day away asleep. These observations are me caring less and caring more. I've always been one of those "what you see is what you get" people. I'm not your everyday girl. And I'm damn proud of it. You don't like me? I'll make sure to breathe when I quit boohooing.

I don't shower every single day. I don't like jewelry, so don't buy it for me. I have the vocabulary of a sailor and I drink like one too. If you're easily offended, refrain from conversing with me. I lack the socially important filter. I'm single because the two guys I would date aren't really boyfriend material and I'm too snobby to date just anyone. I work at a bar, live in a tiny house and drive a car that I'm convinced is trying to kill me. The few good friends I have left, I wouldn't trade for the world.

I may not have much but I'm convinced I'm pretty fun to be around. I'm on a mission. Though I love my job and coworkers, I'm tired of babysitting the drunk. Sick of douchers asking for my number. Over being an unlicensed therapist. Only one way to fix it.

I sing. Not just in the shower or car. Well, those too. I write songs. I could give you twenty right now that I must say are better than some of the crap on the radio these days. What am I doing with it? Absolutely nothing. Not anymore! Alas, no more I say!

No excuses. My new motto. This year I have to get it done. Fitness. School. Job. Music. I'm telling you so you can make sure I'm not fat or poor at the end of the year. No excuses. I mean it.